Never Ok

Why is it that I can’t believe my friends?
That I can’t accept their kindness; their praise,
I can’t help but feel pain and sorrowed anguish,
And yet I can’t deal with their nice words.

I feel like I am but a shell of myself, and yet I am who I am meant to be,
I am struggling, choking on the very water that spurns my life,
And yet,
I breathe deeply the words in which I write, the fractals I create,
They are me.

Why then, do I accept that- the soul through which I create,
And not that it is good, and worthy of happiness and joy?
Am I too afraid of greatness? Or am I afraid that I will wake up,
And all the love they feel will disappear.

Like his.

Maybe I just want to scream to the rooftops that it was not ok.
Never ok.
I didn’t deserve that pain, that abuse.
I DID NOT DESERVE IT.
And I believe that.

And yet I can’t.

In the deep canyon, a cauldron of chopped up feelings and pain,
Filled with blood, bitterness and discontent,
I find myself flailing, crying, screaming and fighting.

Help.