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Tagged again

Journal Entry: Sun May 24, 2015, 4:36 AM
LaBruyere tagged me and I figured that I couldn't prolong the inevitable any longer.



1. What is the grossest thing you've ever eaten?

God. Um. Probably half moldy sandwiches with peanut butter on them. They were disgusting fresh. I had to eat them to get dinner. If I didn't eat them, I'd have them for breakfast or lunch or dinner the next day. I wouldn't eat til that happened. So I did. This is why I don't do packed lunch sandwiches.

2. If you had to choose between living in a cave or living in a boat on the sea forever, what would you choose and why?

I love my feet on the ground but to be honest, a cave feels smothering. At least I could always sail away if the weather changed and I could take the people I love the most with me. Plus there are a few people that wouldn't mind me being a traveller so they could get massages.

3. What's your favorite candle/air freshener/oil/incense scent?
Dewberry. I love the fruity muskiness. Oh and mangoes. And jasmine. Oh hell, I love a lot. And kade.

4. What's the most recent book you've read?

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal. Hitting the non-fiction hard.

5. What little-known or box-office-flop movie do you secretly love?

I've never been a movie person, so much as a TV person. I really like quirky little shows that don't necessarily gain notoriety. Seven Periods with Mr Gormsby is an example of a unknown little NZ TV series that is non PC and very hilarious.

6. Where are you traveling to this summer? 

Summer... Well my summer is December, and my lady will be travelling to me. We are going to have a mini-honeymoon before she meets my extended family. I can't wait, Dorkmaestro

7. Favorite coffee-shop drink?

Chai Latte, a nice herbal tea or some ridiculous frappuccino thing. Not as much into the coffee as I am into warm drinks.

8. What problem in the world do you wish you could globally eradicate?

Apathy. I don't know how or when we got so apathetic, indifferent and greedy but it is fucked up. I don't understand how compassion and love for humanity has become such a rare quality. That has to change.

9. What's the three most recent movies/shows you've watched?
The Crazy Ones with Robin Williams, The X Files cause I'd never seen it, Leverage because it's awesome, Rita cause it's kickass and Danish.

10. Who do you need to forgive?

Myself.

AND


:devWolvenNight" tagged me way back. Here goes. 25 things I love.



1. Dorkmaestro
2. Love
3. Compassion
4.My swiss army knife
5. Icecream or gelati with Ice Magic on it
6. Anything savoury so lasagne, pizza, pies - fuck yes
7. Rehabilitation massage. Best damn job in the world.
8. My best friends James and Jean
9. My gorgeous sister Katy
10. Writing
11. Teaching 
12. Books (real ones)
13. Animals, especially cats
14. Tech except Apple.
15. Disneyland
16. Face painting, fairy floss and jumping castles
17. Singstar
18. Laser skirmish
19. Crystals
20. Netflix
21. Making a difference
22. Music
23. John Marsden's work
24. Webcomics

25. Being alive.

Journeying

Journal Entry: Wed May 6, 2015, 5:55 AM

I have been trying to wrap my head around a series of concepts lately, and I feel like I have made a breakthrough. See, C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is primarily caused by systematic abuse. It’s the constant and never relenting con. You don’t get relief and it’s only when you’ve escaped. And even when you have escaped, it stays with you like herpes. It is with you forever.

 

One of the major quantifiers of C-PTSD is feeling like your life is in danger, that you might die. While the physical violence only reached that level maybe 100 times, the mental abuse was consistently there. That mental abuse convinced me that if I didn’t fight, I would lose my mind. I would lose my personality, my heart and my soul. I would lose me. In death, you at least claim who you are. You lose the potential life but who you are isn’t taken away. For me, losing my mind and being assimilated into some abusive numbed out zombie robot was a fate far worse than death. I knew that retaining everything like a 24/7 camera feed was the only way I could hold strong. And that is why I am where I am.

 

I am a great person, with an incredible partner and amazing friends. I have a fantastic job, wonderful colleagues and an awesome life. My little sister is safe, strong and beautiful. She has issues, but she is alive and she is still her. I did it. I won.

Now I just have to recover. I need to have the time to remove all of the corrupted data in my mind. I need to step away from the threat of annihilation; that constant fear of having my mind wiped and replaced.

 

And that is what I am doing. I live all of these memories, I cry at any moment and sometimes I get sick. But I am a survivor of abuse; I lived through it and retained me.

That’s worth it.



Readings

Journal Entry: Sat Apr 25, 2015, 5:18 PM
What I found in a journal...

The methods of establishing control over another person are based upon the systematic, repetitive infliction of psychological trauma. These methods are designed to instill terror and helplessness, to destroy the victim's sense of self in relation to others, and to foster a pathological attachment to the perpetrator. Although violence is a universal method of instilling terror, the threat of death or serious harm, either to the victim or to others close to her, is much more frequent than the actual resort to violence. Fear is also increased by unpredictable outbursts of violence, and by inconsistent enforcement of numerous trivial demands and petty rules.

In addition to inducing terror, the perpetrator seeks to destroy the victim's sense of autonomy. This is achieved by control of the victim's body and bodily functions. Deprivation of food, sleep, shelter, exercise, personal hygiene, or privacy are common practices. Once the perpetrator has established this degree of control, he becomes a potential source of solace as
well as humiliation. The capricious granting of small indulgences may undermine the psychological resistance of the victim far more effectively than unremitting deprivation and fear. 

As long as the victim maintains strong relationships with others, the perpetrator's power is limited; invariably, therefore, he seeks to isolate his victim. The perpetrator will not only attempt to prohibit communication and material support, but will also try to destroy the victim's emotional ties to others. The final step in the "breaking" of the victim is not completed until she has been forced to betray her most basic attachments, by witnessing or participating in crimes against others. 


As the victim is isolated, she becomes increasingly dependent upon the perpetrator, not only for survival and basic bodily needs, but also for
information and even for emotional sustenance. Prolonged confinement in fear of death and in isolation reliably produces a bond of identification between captor and victim. 



Holy shit... That just explained my life.

Feelings,

Like clawing cadavers, stiffen and cool within me.

Their ice consumes and inflates,

A subtle pretense of strength and health

Shards slice and burn surrounding tissue

Ocular windows glaze over,
         
          frozen in a state of abject decay.

Loss

Journal Entry: Sat Apr 18, 2015, 11:06 PM
The past few months, I have been working through a plague in my system. It starts with pain and paralysis, numbness and weakness. It continues on with horrific memories and the emotional torture associated. I deal with fear, guilt, regret, rejection, betrayal, heart-ache, fury and despair. I remember what was and how it has developed into what is. I see where my mind and spirit have been compromised and I fight through so I can have a better life.

And through all of this, through the struggles financially and the struggles now physically and emotionally, I feel lacking. I haven't done enough or been good enough.

And it makes me wonder what 'enough' is. What could I have been or done to have been led down a different path, and what would that path have taught me?

I have responsibilities to teach others and I have a responsibility to myself to not let the past live on as my disability.

I have choices, but in this moment, I hurt.

I hurt so much.

So. Fucking. Much.

Tagged again

Journal Entry: Sun May 24, 2015, 4:36 AM
LaBruyere tagged me and I figured that I couldn't prolong the inevitable any longer.



1. What is the grossest thing you've ever eaten?

God. Um. Probably half moldy sandwiches with peanut butter on them. They were disgusting fresh. I had to eat them to get dinner. If I didn't eat them, I'd have them for breakfast or lunch or dinner the next day. I wouldn't eat til that happened. So I did. This is why I don't do packed lunch sandwiches.

2. If you had to choose between living in a cave or living in a boat on the sea forever, what would you choose and why?

I love my feet on the ground but to be honest, a cave feels smothering. At least I could always sail away if the weather changed and I could take the people I love the most with me. Plus there are a few people that wouldn't mind me being a traveller so they could get massages.

3. What's your favorite candle/air freshener/oil/incense scent?
Dewberry. I love the fruity muskiness. Oh and mangoes. And jasmine. Oh hell, I love a lot. And kade.

4. What's the most recent book you've read?

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal. Hitting the non-fiction hard.

5. What little-known or box-office-flop movie do you secretly love?

I've never been a movie person, so much as a TV person. I really like quirky little shows that don't necessarily gain notoriety. Seven Periods with Mr Gormsby is an example of a unknown little NZ TV series that is non PC and very hilarious.

6. Where are you traveling to this summer? 

Summer... Well my summer is December, and my lady will be travelling to me. We are going to have a mini-honeymoon before she meets my extended family. I can't wait, Dorkmaestro

7. Favorite coffee-shop drink?

Chai Latte, a nice herbal tea or some ridiculous frappuccino thing. Not as much into the coffee as I am into warm drinks.

8. What problem in the world do you wish you could globally eradicate?

Apathy. I don't know how or when we got so apathetic, indifferent and greedy but it is fucked up. I don't understand how compassion and love for humanity has become such a rare quality. That has to change.

9. What's the three most recent movies/shows you've watched?
The Crazy Ones with Robin Williams, The X Files cause I'd never seen it, Leverage because it's awesome, Rita cause it's kickass and Danish.

10. Who do you need to forgive?

Myself.

AND


:devWolvenNight" tagged me way back. Here goes. 25 things I love.



1. Dorkmaestro
2. Love
3. Compassion
4.My swiss army knife
5. Icecream or gelati with Ice Magic on it
6. Anything savoury so lasagne, pizza, pies - fuck yes
7. Rehabilitation massage. Best damn job in the world.
8. My best friends James and Jean
9. My gorgeous sister Katy
10. Writing
11. Teaching 
12. Books (real ones)
13. Animals, especially cats
14. Tech except Apple.
15. Disneyland
16. Face painting, fairy floss and jumping castles
17. Singstar
18. Laser skirmish
19. Crystals
20. Netflix
21. Making a difference
22. Music
23. John Marsden's work
24. Webcomics

25. Being alive.

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Commissions

Poetry
Self-Condemn Visual Poetry by kiwi-damnation
Give me a topic and a fixed form that you would like and I will create something specially for you.
Fractals
I Love and Adore You by kiwi-damnation
Wheel of Fortune by kiwi-damnation
Love in Chrysalis by kiwi-damnation
Cockleshells by kiwi-damnation
Give me your favourite colours or a shape or an idea you would like and I will do my best to create it for you.

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kiwi-damnation
Sammy
Artist | Literature
Australia
Hey guys! I'm Sam a.k.a kiwi-damnation.

I am a massage therapist by day and artist by night. I love to create in many different ways and especially enjoy the incredible world of fixed form poetry. I run a group ProjectDFC devoted to preserving the art of fixed form poetry and bringing you all along for the ride.

Seriously though, I love dA and all it represents and I look forward to reading/gazing upon all of your art. You all amaze me. Thank you for the privilege of sharing this journey with you.

Aaaaand you can find my photography on kiwi-damnation-stock

Adios amigos!
Interests

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconparsat:
Parsat Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2015   Writer
Thanks for the sub, and for all you do with ProjectDFC. :) Looking forward to May Mixup Madness, AAA always got the better of me. Could never really get used to those alphabetic forms...
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2015   Writer
You're welcome mate. You should try more then. Tackle what challenges you.
Reply
:iconmurasakiriyu:
murasakiriyu Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, thank you for the :+fav: :)
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2015   Writer
No worries :)
Reply
:iconkatherinejohnston:
KatherineJohnston Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the favorite!
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2015   Writer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:icongoodbye-to-you:
Goodbye-to-you Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015  Student General Artist
Thank you for the watch (in return). I think your fractal work is quite brilliant and I find it inspiring to make my own.
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015   Writer
:) Thanks so much.  I used weavesilk and Apophysis. :huggle:
Reply
:iconclassic-poet:
classic-poet Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: Thanks for the favourite, Sam! (Though I don't think I deserve it...) :heart:
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015   Writer
You do :heart:
Reply
:iconclassic-poet:
classic-poet Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You flatter me. :aww:
Reply
:icondorkmaestro:
Dorkmaestro Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
I love you :heart:
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2015   Writer
I love you too :heart:
Reply
:icontanafeyroyale:
tanafeyroyale Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave
Reply
:iconkiwi-damnation:
kiwi-damnation Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2014   Writer
You're very welcome.
Reply
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